It was a shame the Carnival Strip club finished before I perfected my wanking technique (11th August 1997)

It was a shame the Carnival Strip club finished before I perfected my wanking technique. It was the perfect place for it. Pornography and writing, that has been my year. This would be my whole life, if I had the chance. The blonde Sharon in white-ribbed mini-dress.

 

If you want to be a writer you can't talk to anybody (5th August 1997)

If you want to be a writer, you can't talk to anybody. Total silence. Eyes down, distracted, preoccupied. Be yourself. I DO WHAT I WANT. BE A MEAN BASTARD.

"Withdrawal from society and inability to interact with people"

I'm in such a safe, protected position.

While reading The Daughter of Fu Manchu in the bath, I found myself thinking sexily of Jo, in the style of Madonna in that black dress; also thoughts of Dr Petrie's big breast wife Kara.

I live a quiet life, like a monk. I'm happy. It is learning how to be happy with very little.

 

The relief I found reading Moorcock (26th July 1997)

The relief I found reading Moorcock, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Schoenberg, Berg, and Webern, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Throwing Muses, and watching Jean-Luc Godard films, you can be fragmented. These things were so beautiful, I found them so moving, I could cry.

Trying to read something I write is like trying to eat a plateful of broken glass. My head is full of broken glass. Most people's heads are full of smooth panes of perfect glass, my head is full of a billion billion shards of broken glass. It was all smashed at birth.

 

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside (23rd July 1997)

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside. I am an antenna and a punchline. And I am INTELLIGENT. The whole idea of relationships is sickening: the pressure people put you under. I'd rather be abused by a million people than have to talk to one of them.

There is a majority of good people out there.

I live in my own little world, and I can't understand why everyone else doesn't live in their own little worlds. I don't think it will even seem less strange. But I have to accept it--I'm one of a kind.

I woke up this morning thinking I never want to go to Sunset Strip, Astral Cinema, again. But now I cannot wait for September, that return to London, Sunset Strip, night bars, the "hour of the flesh". Sunset Strip's notoriously louche cabaret, that's what it is. It is Mata Hari, Anita Berber, Maud Allan, Ruth St Denis.

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life (22nd July 1997)

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life, and achieve greater strength and equilibrium.

Write the pornography I'd like to read. I spend my life thinking. I wish I could do it forever.

"Such stress couldn't help but damage his mental health. He suffered severely from depression, obsessions, etc. He begged me to stay: left to himself he'd be tormented by his obsessions."