"No matter what circle of hell we are living in I think we are free to break out of it"

"No matter what circle of hell we are living in, I think we are free to break out of it. And if people do not break out, again they are staying there of their own free will. So that of their own free will, they put themselves in hell. So you see that relations with other people, incrustations, freedom--freedom is the other face of the coin which is barely suggested--are the three themes in the play. I should like you to remember this when you hear that 'hell is other people'."

I don’t want a real woman (6th Feb 1997)

I don’t want a real woman, that would steal my time and freedom; my peace and quiet, I only want to go to prostitutes when I feel like it. I really don’t want a girlfriend, you know that, I couldn’t bear that. I do want a naked girl to myself every few weeks just to relieve the sexual pressure, I do know that. So that’s the problem solved then. Real girls I definitely don’t want. Prostitutes I do. That is my ideal perfect solution. Find where the models work. That is my desire. I don’t need to be ashamed and repressed like Hugh Grant. Be like Sickert, Wedekind, Toulouse-Lautrec. Sitting in the front row of Carnival Strip Monday and feeling so ruthless and in control decided it, told me I could do it. I was surprised to realise at last I could do it, I was ready for it. It is necessary for the next stage of my development.

 

The block of ice can't help giving off a cold air (4th Feb 1997)

The block of ice can't help giving off a cold air, it doesn’t do it deliberately. It's not its fault. The block of ice doesn’t want to be a block of ice, it would much rather be a warm pool teeming with micro-bacterial life. It’s punishment enough to be trapped as a block of ice, it doesn’t need abuse from other people as well. It doesn’t need punishment from outside, being is punishment enough. 

Strindberg. Munch. Hugh Grant. David Mellor. Judge the worth of a person by looking at their enemies. Eric Cantona used the ugliness and abuse to fuel him, give him power. Perhaps that’s what Sarah meant me to do. 

To ween yourself off the morphine and accept some modicum of reality. To suffer the abuse, and to not be crushed by it, but triumph to confound them. To confound! To draw power from abuse, take it in, convert it and use it back at them to confound and distress them, make them see themselves for the small people they are. Hugh Grant gives me strength, and inspiration! 

Their silly self-humiliation is the sweet air I need to breathe. Schadenfreude. Their attempted pain is what gives me pleasure. Eric Cantona came back from his private despair to win the double with Manchester United and be voted player of the year by the press. The adversity was what he needed to wrest his triumph. Hugh Grant needs his shameful incident to build his triumph. I need my shameful incidents to build my triumph. 

I inject their abuse like Sherlock Holmes injects cocaine. I will have my Baker Street rooms. It strengthens me, and thrills me, and becomes my dearest companion.