I did enjoy those Astral films didn't I (29th April 1997)

I did enjoy those Astral films didn't I, even if they weren't the best. I miss the Carnival Club. I've got to go back. Sunset or Boulevard. Sex makes the world go round. Doing something sinful stimulates my brain. 

By the time I go to Chelsea on Saturday, we could have a Labour government.

I feel now I want Astral and the Carnival club again; isn’t that perverse?! (21st March 1997)

I feel now I want Astral and the Carnival club again; isn’t that perverse?! I want to sit in Astral in shorts, with big breast girl in white top and purple thong on screen. I want to sit in Carnival with black-haired Amazonian with green-tattooed arse on stage. I want to go back up Brewer Street stairway to those warm lamplit rooms. Monday or Thursday. If Monday is dark, go Monday as well. Last week of darkness.

Love how you want to love; love who you please (9th March 1997)

Love how you want to love; love who you please. 

Give me greater self-knowledge, but that doesn’t mean I dislike what I feel inside. I don’t want to open up and let people inside my Swiss bank vaults because they’ll take everything. I trust you. This self-knowledge has just given me the belief that I have got the strength and inner riches to stay on my own. 

Summer’s coming and perhaps I will come into my own: Misadventures finished at last, money to spend, films to see, strolling around London under the trees, I’ve removed the last taboo with the prostitutes. I felt I was deliberately stopping short of something which I didn’t really want to think about. I was deliberately limiting my experience. Now I’ve done everything, I can get on my with my work. 

It was fascinating to be on that bed and have her putting condom on and wanking me wasn’t it? Then lying back for me, and putting me in. The Astral kept me permanently turned on and bored at the same time.

"Walking with a yellow star on my coat, some woman spat at me" (6th March 1997)

"Walking with a yellow star on my coat, some woman spat at me....You have to look straight through people like that, without seeing them, or else how could you bear it.....They came to watch us at the station; they expected wailing and crying. We had a dignity which made my heart overflow with respect." So I did it. Went in model's room in Dean Street. Big breasts blonde in Carnival again. Plus big new long black-haired girl, with green shockwave tattoo round bottom. Big voluptuous bottom, in black ski-shorts over white knickers and bra. Great dancer, sensational big girl, big hips, big bottom. Her bottom dancing in front of me. I had a permanent erection in Astral but you don't really see anything. I go to prostitutes. Whatever turns you on. Prostitutes turn me on. That's what I want. I've done it now. I can do it whenever I want now. I am Wedekind. Toulouse Lautrec. Van Gogh.