The relief I found reading Moorcock (26th July 1997)

The relief I found reading Moorcock, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Schoenberg, Berg, and Webern, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Throwing Muses, and watching Jean-Luc Godard films, you can be fragmented. These things were so beautiful, I found them so moving, I could cry.

Trying to read something I write is like trying to eat a plateful of broken glass. My head is full of broken glass. Most people's heads are full of smooth panes of perfect glass, my head is full of a billion billion shards of broken glass. It was all smashed at birth.

 

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside (23rd July 1997)

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside. I am an antenna and a punchline. And I am INTELLIGENT. The whole idea of relationships is sickening: the pressure people put you under. I'd rather be abused by a million people than have to talk to one of them.

There is a majority of good people out there.

I live in my own little world, and I can't understand why everyone else doesn't live in their own little worlds. I don't think it will even seem less strange. But I have to accept it--I'm one of a kind.

I woke up this morning thinking I never want to go to Sunset Strip, Astral Cinema, again. But now I cannot wait for September, that return to London, Sunset Strip, night bars, the "hour of the flesh". Sunset Strip's notoriously louche cabaret, that's what it is. It is Mata Hari, Anita Berber, Maud Allan, Ruth St Denis.

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life (22nd July 1997)

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life, and achieve greater strength and equilibrium.

Write the pornography I'd like to read. I spend my life thinking. I wish I could do it forever.

"Such stress couldn't help but damage his mental health. He suffered severely from depression, obsessions, etc. He begged me to stay: left to himself he'd be tormented by his obsessions."

I’m fascinated by their ugliness (10th July 1997)

I’m fascinated by their ugliness. I’m hooked on it, like a bloody loose tooth. I live by the roots of this bloody loose tooth, like black smokers live in the volcanic vents at the bottom of the ocean. I thrive on their abuse. They are playing into my hands. To adapt to your natural environment. I grow fat and intelligent on ugliness. They are helping make me unique. They are helping make me a genius. I like Portillo. He’s always seemed rather a ridiculous figure, and I warm to him for that.

Tropical heat this morning (8th July 1997)

Tropical heat this morning. I'm a monk. I need to stay in a monastery and live a contemplative life. A real relationship is the only salvation. Like that blue-striped long brown hair girl staring at me intently by the Strand.

Blazing blistering hot deep blue skies (7th July 1997)

Blazing, blistering hot, deep blue skies; and it will be all week.

I'm just sitting waiting to see how long it is before my freedom ends, and I return to work. I'm frozen, petrified, in stasis. Too hot to go out. Just sit it out, with Lorca and Fu Manchu.****Kelly 18, Fire & Ice, Electric Blue. I really wanted to go to model but then we had the mind-numbing Zeta's Revenge, which killed all passion. That Chinese black bob girl with big nipples in Electric Blue!

To be up London in this burning heat, it really does make you want to strip off and f--k a model.

I will definitely keep going to Astral. I will definitely keep going to Sunset Strip in September.

They are all Fu Manchu/Mata Hari films. They are all The Story of O

 They are all Fu Manchu/Mata Hari films. They are all The Story of O.

 

My interior life became blocked up (2nd July 1997)

My interior life became blocked up. Silted up. It became increasingly unnavigable. Harder and harder to squeeze through and get through each day. Then in 1995, that deposited more silt in one go than anything before, and that was the last straw. The river completely stopped, and it flooded. Now after the black months, we could dredge it. The interior river became free-flowing again, clear and fresh, but it was still the same river. It still came from the same source, and issued in the same place. You tried to change the river’s course, and make it flow into the exterior world. You’ve improved my life by dredging the interior river and getting me moving again.