I feel like Astral & Sunset again [7th Sept 1997]

I feel like Astral & Sunset again. "It is false spirituality to neglect things carnal. Real spirituality comes from regeneration of the flesh." The Astral films are Benny Hill films, the Sunset girls are Benny Hill girls. That huge-breasted blonde in black see-through dress is a Benny Hill girl. I want to check that other striptease place. Think about how good Carnival Strip became towards the end. Thursday 18th would be good for Sunset, tomorrow for Astral.

The volcano: to let my spirit burst free in my writing; to let my spirit burst free in a relationship with someone else.

A volcano because I am holding it back. No, because it is blocked, it has no way out.

It will be good to get drunk again in the Chandos, though, won't it, staggering down into the toilets to get my penis out again in increasing anticipation of Sunset Strip I am about to get to, or Astral. I want to go see Woody Allen films in Leicester Square, come back to pub with no intention of staying out, but then a couple of pints later the rising excitement makes me go to Sunset. Tomorrow?

 

The only way to attain mastery over material malfunctioning is by adopting a more spiritual philosophy [26th August 1997]

The only way to attain mastery over material malfunctioning is by adopting a more spiritual philosophy.

"You and Virgo are at the butt of the Sun-Pluto square and that is bound to bring out a side of you that you have repressed since childhood. A transformation has been trying to occur since 1995, but circumstances or a resistance to change have meant you've been putting off what you know you must do to find yourself. A metamorphosis is going on deep in your psyche, and you have to go with it, or you'll paralyse your personal growth."

I want lots of money so I can go to models all I want [25th August 1997]

I want lots of money so I can go to models all I want. So I can see new gold dress dancers all I want. Just four more weeks to get through. I can't wait to lose myself in degeneracy, nihilism, Soho again. Those black rainy nights. The orange cauldron.

Stay serene and smiling, like that little old bag lady rustling her carrier bag in the NFT back row. I just want to live in naughtiness and masturbation.

Elastic bands snap. I snapped. You stretched me too far [22nd August 1997]

Elastic bands snap. I snapped. You stretched me too far. 

I live in India, in divine time. I am a monk. A holy man. A fakir. If I am to be myself, that means I must be silent.

Sitting here in the hot sticky 8.58 morning heat [21st August 1997]

Sitting here in the hot sticky 8.58 morning heat, with the birds hooting & chirping & whistling in the lush green fauna out the back, it's like sitting in a house in the jungle, Manaus, the Lost World, before setting off upriver to find something.

The Justice Ministry is judging myself [20th August 1997]

The Justice Ministry is judging myself, and it starts out with very big promises of the changes it will be instigating, but then bit by bit it starts to back away from them, until things are allowed to go back how they were before.
Ashamed of myself, I judged myself most viciously. Now I'm starting to like myself again, and I start to think maybe what I did wasn't so bad after all, in fact it was the ONLY right thing to have done! So now the measures I put in place to punish me, and make me alter my future behaviour, have gradually been loosened and exceptions have been allowed more and more, till the restrictions have been virtually removed altogether, and I've gone back to almost exactly the way I was before.
I'm living like a monk, day after day, that's what I want.

 

It was a shame the Carnival Strip club finished before I perfected my wanking technique (11th August 1997)

It was a shame the Carnival Strip club finished before I perfected my wanking technique. It was the perfect place for it. Pornography and writing, that has been my year. This would be my whole life, if I had the chance. The blonde Sharon in white-ribbed mini-dress.

 

If you want to be a writer you can't talk to anybody (5th August 1997)

If you want to be a writer, you can't talk to anybody. Total silence. Eyes down, distracted, preoccupied. Be yourself. I DO WHAT I WANT. BE A MEAN BASTARD.

"Withdrawal from society and inability to interact with people"

I'm in such a safe, protected position.

While reading The Daughter of Fu Manchu in the bath, I found myself thinking sexily of Jo, in the style of Madonna in that black dress; also thoughts of Dr Petrie's big breast wife Kara.

I live a quiet life, like a monk. I'm happy. It is learning how to be happy with very little.

 

The relief I found reading Moorcock (26th July 1997)

The relief I found reading Moorcock, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Schoenberg, Berg, and Webern, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Throwing Muses, and watching Jean-Luc Godard films, you can be fragmented. These things were so beautiful, I found them so moving, I could cry.

Trying to read something I write is like trying to eat a plateful of broken glass. My head is full of broken glass. Most people's heads are full of smooth panes of perfect glass, my head is full of a billion billion shards of broken glass. It was all smashed at birth.

 

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside (23rd July 1997)

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside. I am an antenna and a punchline. And I am INTELLIGENT. The whole idea of relationships is sickening: the pressure people put you under. I'd rather be abused by a million people than have to talk to one of them.

There is a majority of good people out there.

I live in my own little world, and I can't understand why everyone else doesn't live in their own little worlds. I don't think it will even seem less strange. But I have to accept it--I'm one of a kind.

I woke up this morning thinking I never want to go to Sunset Strip, Astral Cinema, again. But now I cannot wait for September, that return to London, Sunset Strip, night bars, the "hour of the flesh". Sunset Strip's notoriously louche cabaret, that's what it is. It is Mata Hari, Anita Berber, Maud Allan, Ruth St Denis.

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life (22nd July 1997)

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life, and achieve greater strength and equilibrium.

Write the pornography I'd like to read. I spend my life thinking. I wish I could do it forever.

"Such stress couldn't help but damage his mental health. He suffered severely from depression, obsessions, etc. He begged me to stay: left to himself he'd be tormented by his obsessions."