I’m fascinated by their ugliness (10th July 1997)

I’m fascinated by their ugliness. I’m hooked on it, like a bloody loose tooth. I live by the roots of this bloody loose tooth, like black smokers live in the volcanic vents at the bottom of the ocean. I thrive on their abuse. They are playing into my hands. To adapt to your natural environment. I grow fat and intelligent on ugliness. They are helping make me unique. They are helping make me a genius. I like Portillo. He’s always seemed rather a ridiculous figure, and I warm to him for that.

Tropical heat this morning (8th July 1997)

Tropical heat this morning. I'm a monk. I need to stay in a monastery and live a contemplative life. A real relationship is the only salvation. Like that blue-striped long brown hair girl staring at me intently by the Strand.

Blazing blistering hot deep blue skies (7th July 1997)

Blazing, blistering hot, deep blue skies; and it will be all week.

I'm just sitting waiting to see how long it is before my freedom ends, and I return to work. I'm frozen, petrified, in stasis. Too hot to go out. Just sit it out, with Lorca and Fu Manchu.****Kelly 18, Fire & Ice, Electric Blue. I really wanted to go to model but then we had the mind-numbing Zeta's Revenge, which killed all passion. That Chinese black bob girl with big nipples in Electric Blue!

To be up London in this burning heat, it really does make you want to strip off and f--k a model.

I will definitely keep going to Astral. I will definitely keep going to Sunset Strip in September.

They are all Fu Manchu/Mata Hari films. They are all The Story of O

 They are all Fu Manchu/Mata Hari films. They are all The Story of O.

 

My interior life became blocked up (2nd July 1997)

My interior life became blocked up. Silted up. It became increasingly unnavigable. Harder and harder to squeeze through and get through each day. Then in 1995, that deposited more silt in one go than anything before, and that was the last straw. The river completely stopped, and it flooded. Now after the black months, we could dredge it. The interior river became free-flowing again, clear and fresh, but it was still the same river. It still came from the same source, and issued in the same place. You tried to change the river’s course, and make it flow into the exterior world. You’ve improved my life by dredging the interior river and getting me moving again.

Make me strong enough to bear the loneliness (30th June 1997)

Make me strong enough to bear the loneliness, endure my writing life with no one to share it with. 

I know this morphine (this composure) is a painkiller not a cure. The disease is still there, but it’s better to have the painkiller than the pain. The disease I believe is incurable. So I will need this morphine forever. I am now finding more and better strains of it. Morphine rather than pain. Composure rather than decomposure. Voluptuous luxuries rather than black emptiness. Composure and morality, as long as people don’t get too close, then I have to go on the defensive to keep them out. 

No one is going to deflect me from my path, to the hanging gardens of Babylon, my Swiss bank vaults.

It's better to indulge yourself than keep denying yourself isn't it? (28th June 1997)

It's better to indulge yourself, than keep denying yourself, isn't it? The strength I feel in my newspaper diary on June 28 this year, compared to the weakness and fragility of last year.

The Astral or home. Go and get it out of your system. Get it over with. Do something that makes me feel really dirty and ashamed, that way I will get a creative spark the next day. A compost heap glows with all the radioactivity, all the fireflies and dung beetles feeding on it. The dung in the bats cave. All the life it supports. How inspiring Malandra model was, National Portrait Gallery vampire Tuesday was. The strength of my revulsion propels me to creative ideas.

21/6: The Sun's ingress into Cancer gives you plenty to think about. Psychologically you have been under enormous pressure, especially over sexual and money matters. In the coming weeks you have to accept many things you have been trying to avoid. You can't.

25/6: There are a series of thoughts going through your head concerning your most private passions and secret fantasies. What is obvious is you aren't satisfying internal urges, mainly due to not understanding your own psychology. If you can't, how can anyone else?

At bad times I yearn to be a monk (27th June 1997)

At bad times I yearn to be a monk, to be allowed to live for ever in total silence and contemplation. Then I think I can do that here. All that getting me to talk, it's just stupid. Being with other people just makes me so unhappy. I need my privacy and my silence. That is who I am. It hurt me because Sarah always ignored that. If you can't be alone, you need to carry that peace around with you.

Walking down the road in my coat in the drizzling rain, it felt so much like September; I thought how much I love going to Sunset Strip after Chandos in the dark afternoons. That little cauldron of colour and girls. With no emotion involved, the way it should be. Pouring with rain as I came back.

I'm looking for self-realisation, and I will only find that in my writing. I want to explore that now, now you've helped me find the secret door in.

Sex dancers who create their own fictional world in the orange light amidst the blackness, and drag you into it. God, I can't wait for September. The thought of red Gillian Anderson dancing in black lace dress. Why can't May lead into September? I want Ruby, Sneaker Pimps, Placebo, Swiss gold, Chandos, Sunset Strip, models in Brewer Street warm boudoirs before football in the black Wednesday evenings.

This vampiric period has coincided with Batman & Batgirl! Purple & black.

Am I Blue? 1920s New York jazz club atmosphere, smoky, ferns, illegal drink. The orgasmic sexy intoxication of Tristan und Isolde is no greater than when a stripper's eyes meet those of a certain man's and they just steadily look at each other for a few prolonged moments.