Carmen very good (13th June 1997)

Carmen very good, very enjoyable, especially the Toreadors song, and 'Carmen, I love you', when I thought of me and Sarah, Cleopatra's temple, Tristan & Isolde day. From then on I had Tristan & Isolde in my head all the time, the emotions of that day. I felt the same thing tonight. Carmen seduced me and then turned away. £8. 

Stupidly went to Boulevard. Sensational black-haired girl in black & gold underwear, eyes met and held as I came in. She then held my eyes very directly a lot. She is another black bob. Absolutely sensational, eyes flashing electrically from man to man, missing no one, smiling warmly and beaming sometimes. The vampire blonde girl was sexy too. Only four girls, saw black hair four times then left. £14.23. 

Bought £4.50 Si-Fan Mysteries Fu Manchu book and £10 Oscar Wilde biography (1946). Extravagant, but probably necessary.

 

 

What people reproach you for, cultivate (9th June 1997)

What people reproach you for, cultivate. They're jealous, of my riches. I am powerful, secure, safe in my black fortress. 

I've got my quiet intelligence. Abuse is the best thing, because it sparks your spark of originality into life. It makes you see what valuable riches you have got. Makes you cultivate your riches more, and get more out of them. They've got no inner riches, so throw abuse is all they can do. 

I like pushing the edges of the pocket; pushing people to the edge. I get what I want from them, bouncers which I can leave alone, with relief. I manipulate them into hostility which leaves me untouched. But I have to remain alert all the time, lest someone creeps up on me unawares and is nice to me, then I am beaten.

7th June 1997

 

I want to have a real relationship (6th June 1997)

I want to have a real relationship, but I don't think it's very good pretending I'm someone I'm not, it's better to accept the reality of who I am, and the limitations. Stop trying to bend me to fit in with your idea of what I should become. I like being me, but I also don't really want to be alone forever but realise I probably will be. I like being me, and I think I have worth being me. I don't want you to destroy me. Sarah was trying to destroy me, same way everyone else does

I never say anything more than necessary (4th June 1997)

I never say anything more than necessary. Doesn't that make you think that is just who I am, and to try to force me against that is going to make things worse? If you know me, you've got to accept I'm silent. My family did. I'm a silent person. I get pressure off of everybody to be just like them. It would be nice to have one person saying you don't have to be. Don't you think it's likely I will never be able to have a relationship? Can't we talk about it. The more pressure you put on someone the harder you make it for them, I think she should see that. I cannot function under that pressure, that's a fact. You've got to put your foot down with these people: they think they can make judgements on you and then you've got to change to suit them. I reject their lies completely. Behind their laughter I see their fear, their jealousy, their loathing: that I have all the things they cannot have. 

I love the sleaziness of the Astral cinema. Sunset Strip. To talk politely is repulsive, I get nothing from it. Brothels are good, because the women are stripped of their personality, it's just sex. No emotion or identity.

Pretty bleak world with no Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, FG Lorca and yet society tried to destroy all these people (2nd June 1997)

Pretty bleak world with no Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, F.G.Lorca and yet society tried to destroy all these people. You were trying to crush me the same way everybody else tries to crush me. You never criticised them once, you just joined in, saying implicitly that they’re right. If I said one positive thing, you’d expand it to fill your entire world. A negative thing, you’re silent, disapproving, till I come back onto your pre-set agenda. How is that helping me? Ask me why I mention autism? Why are you interested in that? Why can’t you help me be what I want to be? Why do you have to make me be who you want me to be? Crush me with pressure, put on stones till I confess to something which I know I’m not guilty of. The Crucible. The witch hunt. You piled on a few more stones. Unless I change I deserve to die. The majority’s always right. You’ve helped me be myself. You tried to force me to be like them. But the closer I got to them, the more I wanted to be like myself. Now I’m happy and content.

You tried to stop me being a vampire and I am grateful (31st May 1997)

You tried to stop me being a vampire, and I am grateful, but it's no good, it's all I can be, but before I was tormented and ashamed by it, now I feel relaxed and content about it. I don't feel particularly good about myself at times, but I know I never try to hurt another human being, I know I never try to diminish another human being, and as long as I never have anything to reproach myself for, I can feel contentment and acceptance of myself. I have no bitterness for them. If you cannot think positive thoughts, it's best not to think them at all. I prefer to fill my mind with beautiful, intelligent, kind people who I admire and respect and look up to. The ugly people I just politely remove from my memory banks. I only want the admirable people in my memory banks. I feel sorry for the others, because they are only hurting themselves. Hatred does more harm to the possessor, etc. It will be on their conscience not mine. They are storing up an awful lot of trouble for themselves. 

I think Sarah was ignoring the reality of my condition.

It's like a submarine deep under the sea under the terrible pressure (30th May 1997)

It's like a submarine deep under the sea under the terrible pressure, and you suggest opening the hatches. Then I sink and drown.

Autistic people live in their narrow blackened world, their very narrow range. Keep their eyes to themselves, their personalities locked inside. They are perfectly intelligent but it is a flat gramophone record. Most people's intelligence is in a round globe. Because normal people have got fingers, you're presuming I've got fingers too. 

Writing is expelling the poison from your body. Otherwise you will poison yourself. You have all these suitcases filled with mud, and you have to carry them round everywhere with you, in case there are still some specks of gold in there you've missed. 

I'm blinkered. I can't break out of the 2 dimensions to think in 3 dimensions. I can't make that leap to a globe, that can only happen in the first 3 months. That split second sudden mystical inflation.