Sarah looked a bit nonplussed when she said "I didn’t leave you with nothing. Did I?" (9th April 1997)

Sarah looked a bit nonplussed when she said "I didn’t leave you with nothing. Did I?" And I said "Yes. It does help me now, because I can’t get that black again, it helps keep my head above water and stops me getting too far down." She meant it should help me have relationships, but all I said was how it stopped me getting too black. No I wouldn’t be able to have relationships in the future. No not ever. But I’m better now, I don’t get black like before. 

She said "what happens if the black cloud descends on you again, what will you do then?" I shrugged; "go to the doctors I suppose, what else could I do?" "Is there no one else you could go to?" she said sort of sideways, probing. Confused, "who else is there?" I said. "Is there no member of your family you could go to?" "Oh!" I said realising now. Then remembering M’s letter. I said I hadn’t written back, she felt more like a stranger than ever. "Isn’t that like robbing her? She probably wants to get to know you. She doesn’t know you as a person." I said I had warm feelings for Sarah. Then she said "if you passed me in the street you wouldn’t look twice at me."  

I was trying to reassure her I wouldn’t get that black again, but she wanted to know if I could have relationships now.