Going down the road I felt like Oscar Wilde, Stephen Fry. Beautiful and ugly at once.
I am fascinated by this expedition into my interior. It sounds quite pornographic.
I'm like black, I take everything in and use it but radiate nothing back. It absorbs light and heat, and radiates nothing back off again. It becomes a closed hothouse system inside the black.
An exotic Oscar Wildean, Brazilian granite, Victorian, vampiric world.
It requires a leap of faith I cannot make. It's over the black horizon: I can't see it. You say move towards it and you eventually will, the new world, but I say you are just sending me closer to the edge where I will fall into black space, it is increasingly less safe the further I move towards it. I stay dead in the centre of all the centrifugal forces and will never get pulled out to the edge, like a marble on a gramophone record. I don't want some bland empty new world, I want to stay and make a better job of the old world, start to mine all these cultural and moral riches that have always been here untapped. Now I can start to make use of them. When you've given me the ability to mine all the riches that have always been here, why would I want to travel to some new world there. I wanted to go, when everything felt dead here, I was not living in a treasure chest, it had become a suffocating coffin. Lorca wanted to go to New York, which he knew he'd hate, because he had to escape the deadness of Spain. It is saying Sarah helped me to be more myself.
I am fascinated by this expedition into my interior. It sounds quite pornographic.
I'm like black, I take everything in and use it but radiate nothing back. It absorbs light and heat, and radiates nothing back off again. It becomes a closed hothouse system inside the black.
An exotic Oscar Wildean, Brazilian granite, Victorian, vampiric world.
It requires a leap of faith I cannot make. It's over the black horizon: I can't see it. You say move towards it and you eventually will, the new world, but I say you are just sending me closer to the edge where I will fall into black space, it is increasingly less safe the further I move towards it. I stay dead in the centre of all the centrifugal forces and will never get pulled out to the edge, like a marble on a gramophone record. I don't want some bland empty new world, I want to stay and make a better job of the old world, start to mine all these cultural and moral riches that have always been here untapped. Now I can start to make use of them. When you've given me the ability to mine all the riches that have always been here, why would I want to travel to some new world there. I wanted to go, when everything felt dead here, I was not living in a treasure chest, it had become a suffocating coffin. Lorca wanted to go to New York, which he knew he'd hate, because he had to escape the deadness of Spain. It is saying Sarah helped me to be more myself.
I took a 6 month holiday to the New World, and came away more Andalusian than ever. Lorca came to New York feeling dead and feeling Spain was dead, but though New York was so loud and noisy, he came away feeling in comparison he was more alive and Spain was more alive.
I'm sure there's a flaw in this plan.
Ah, that's the clever bit. You've got to adjust your thinking. I am different. I'm not like you. Most brains are like a globe, but some are like a gramophone record.
This is genuinely how I see the world. You describe a world I don't recognise. You describe a world you inhabit, but you've no experience of my world. It is a flat gramophone record. That lack of stimulation at birth, prevented the two dimensional gramophone record from mutating into a round globe.
The left side of my brain is just a black vacuum, it was never built. So that could be quite a problem for you.
Every so often you meet someone who makes you wish you were a globe. You've been waiting 26 years to mine the gramophone record, all the incredibly complicated recorded treasures in every groove, with no start in sight, then you meet someone like bob and the gramophone record suddenly wants to be a globe, otherwise it can't bear life anymore. You try and make it happen, get me over the edge to the New World, but like elastic after 6 months I snap back again. With relief, to be a gramophone record again! The riches! And now you find the gems and jewels are starting to come to the surface. You can start mining now. Your eyes are suddenly filled with the riches, you cry with joy and pleasure. Why would you ever consider leaving now. Sarah has given me the ability to mine the riches now.
It was the desire of a gramophone record to become a globe. Then after 6 months elasticated stay in the new world, he snaps back, and now the desire of a gramophone record to be a gramophone record!
For a while I wanted to be someone else, which I believe is impossible, then a brief 6 months glimpse of what it would mean to be someone else, then with relief I wanted to be myself again. All I know about is what's inside me. Sarah has opened up my interior to me, for my exploration. Like the Amazon was inaccessible and unexplored before the first explorers started to break into it and find amazing unbelievable things.
If some woman had come to me at 19 and said I'd pay for you for the rest of your life, that would be lovely.
People who attack me are envious, because they know I've got more riches than them.
Carmen in Spanish! Yes, I must go now!
See, going to Soho does stimulate my brain!
You're saying if I just let myself go, take the safety catch off. I'm saying there's nothing there.
No comments:
Post a Comment