“Lautrec only placed his trust in people when he felt that they understood him" (17th March 1997)

“Lautrec only placed his trust in people when he felt that they understood him, when he knew them for a long time or when something about them had made a special impression on him. 

Lautrec tried—in spite of, or because of, his handicap—to find the most positive sides of life for himself. At a disadvantage because of his health and his outer appearance, he felt himself magically drawn to everything vital and beautiful and was addicted to the colourful, lively activities of the so-called demi-monde. He undoubtedly suffered because of his abnormal appearance. Once he said, ‘You have to be able to suffer yourself,’ but just this was apparently difficult for him. However, the inner loneliness remained. In order to fight this or at least to cover it, he hid his innermost feelings behind a protective veil of self-irony and cynicism. It was unusual for him to utter such melancholy words, he mostly tried to appear composed and gay, and in many of his letters and diary entries he developed a sort of grim humour. 

The only thing which was able to give Lautrec consolation and strength in this difficult time was drawing and painting. ‘…I am now obsessed by painting,’ he wrote to Etiene Derismes on Feb 11, 1880, ‘my room is full of things which do not even deserve to be called daubs. But it helps to pass the time.’ From this pastime an art developed which rapidly matured. 

He gave himself no peace and just wanted to learn diligently and do something which he could be proud of, as art was the best means of self-realisation for him. It distracted him from his sad fate, he found a joy in living through it. With art he counterbalanced his inferiority complex. The older he became, the more his stunted body stood out and his facial expressions became less attractive. ‘He never blamed anyone although he suffered a lot because of his appearance. People turned away from him, but generally more in sympathy than derision.’ 

Lautrec often had to suffer other people’s thoughtlessness. He was called ‘the gnome with a child’s legs’, ‘shorty’ or suffered even more hurtful descriptions. Only those who knew him closer appreciated him. They did not see the cripple in him but rather the ingenious, amusing human being, and they recognised that behind what the others so quickly called horrible, values were concealed which counted more than any ideals of beauty. 

He longed for true love which he never found because he sought it in a milieu where there was naturally no room for lasting feelings. Instead of realising this he blamed his outer appearance and said resignedly, ‘I would like to see the woman on this planet who has a lover who is uglier than me.’ 

Lautrec was a cynic who, especially when he felt hurt, cheated or used, churned out his irreverent, frivolous and sometimes vulgar platitudes like little poisoned arrows. However, in his heart he was very sensitive, he just did not want to show anyone this side of his character if possible.” [source material currently unknown]